I have been engaged in a long discussion with some gentlemen since yesterday. It has been a very interesting one, but the discussion has highlighted an issue that is very much a lifestyle one. Consider that your phone suddenly begins to malfunction. Perhaps the touchscreen had stopped responding, or the phone is frozen or continually reboots. You need to pray; right? Don’t tell me that you do not pray about it. Prayer is the key. The master key in fact. You have been told at the mosque or at church that prayer solves all problems, so instead of taking your beloved smartphone to a service centre, you get on your knees and pray. Perhaps you have a bottle of anointing oil. That will be a nice touch to your prayers. So, you anoint the screen and rub some oil on it.
If you are Pentecostal, a dash of tongues should help. Since you do not know exactly what is wrong with the phone, this surely is a case of not knowing how to pray as you ought, so praying in tongues covers this scenario well. Therefore, you scabbash (or calabash) away. Yes; calabash, if you are a practitioner of traditional religion. A calabash, a gourd, and perhaps some cowries? Anyway, whatever you do, you are praying, and that can only be a good thing. Prayer solves all problems. Look, at least if you are praying, you cannot be worse off than the person who throws her gadget on the floor in the hope of solving its problem that way [“Mrs Mo will get you for this, sir. I pity you.” – Editor]. At least, you feel that way.
If in praying, you do not get an immediate result, your god may be asleep or is busy with other people at your expense. Raise your voice! Wake the neighbours if you have to, but get his attention by all means. Your mobile phone’s problem trumps anything else that he may be attending to. It trumps Syria, Egypt, and Maiduguri all rolled into one. How can he not respond to your supplications speedily? Work yourself into a frenzy. I hear that bodily exercise and sweating are good for your health. Even if your fervent prayer doesn’t fix the phone, at least you get some good out of it.
Now, if you do not know what sarcasm is, you shouldn’t be reading me. Sometimes, I drip with it. Like I am now.
People who think that prayer is the solution to every problem are a real problem to themselves and to the rest of us. It is a very silly concept to live by. Prayer is not the solution to every problem. There are lots of problems that prayer does not solve. Sometimes, all that is required is common sense or an application of knowledge. If your phone develops a problem, please call up that geek friend of yours to ask a few questions, or take a bus to the nearest authourised service centre and have it checked out. God bless you.